Eric Anderson

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As I've said before, Christmas wasn't a huge part of my life growing up, what with not being religious and all. But we did celebrate a secular Christmas, a Solstice holiday with family and friends, and that yearly gathering with people I love for food and togetherness is an important part of my life now. In all the upheaval and storm and change I've gone through since leaving Rhode Island, Christmas with Seth's family has been a familiar oasis that I look forward to every year.

This year, things have been a bit different. My grandmother, who is 90, went into the hospital on Monday with congestive heart failure and "double" pneumonia. For a while, she was stable and the family was researching where she'd go next, but her condition worsened on the 24th. I called her in the hospital and got to say "I love you" and goodbye, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. My uncle, who was taking care of her, could understand her and translate, but at that point she was losing the ability to talk. He says she recognized my voice though, and she smiled. She died at about 9:30 on Christmas Eve.

I'm not going to try to describe all the emotions I've cycled through since then. I've learned enough about myself and human nature to know that when you're grieving, nothing you feel is "wrong" or invalid. It is what it is, and you just have to let them flow, and accept each tear at your heart or joyful memory as it comes. Emotionally, I've been ready for Grandma to die for a long time. She's been in pain, she's been suffering, and she herself said many times that she was ready. I had a feeling when she went into the hospital that this was the end, because I knew she was done fighting. But that doesn't really make it easier when the time comes, especially on a day when you'd normally be joyful.

I've been looking up the meaning of Yoroshiku onegai shimasu, which as I understand it is a traditional way of saying Happy New Year in Japanese among other things. I was pleasantly surprised with what I found. Various translations (off teh int3rw3b):

In this coming year I trust in you to take care of me.
I hope you will take care of me in a way that is convenient for both you and me.
Congratulations on this new beginning— I wish you well for this year, too.
I count on your cooperation.
I ask for your continued cooperation this year.
Please accept me as one of your friends / a member of your group.
Please be kind to me, and do not exclude me from your group.
Thank you in advance for your kindness to go out of your way to help me.
I'm hoping that our relationship holds good things in the future.
Please look favorably upon me.

I do so appreciate the comfort the Japanese have with interdependence. The more familiarity with American-style independence I have, the greater distaste I develop for it. Independence certainly has its place, no argument, but we tend to focus on it to the exclusion of most everything else. In my opinion, it's to our great detriment as individuals and as a country.

Happy Christmas to those of y'all that celebrate, or happy slightly late or slightly early other things, if you celebrate them :-) If you don't celebrate anything particular just now, I hope you're having an excellent day nonetheless.

It is probable, by the way, that posting here will be about as light-to-nonexistent in the future as it has been lately, but I am still reading.

I was told by you
I was the problem.
Now, with someone new,
it's all been solved.

I bought your song
but now - so long.
There's nothing wrong with me.

I came back to life
when I decided
lose the constant strife
that you provided.

Now I'm strong,
so run along.
There's nothing wrong with me.

I ain't saying I'm the easiest guy in the world to live with.
I ain't saying I'm incapable of doing something wrong.
But what I'm saying is now I've been given some understanding.
Somebody recognizes my good intentions
without throwing all my motives up for constant re-invention.

You - Forget my name
and my existence.
I will do the same
and say "good riddance."

Now we're through
and Wow! It's true.
It all was you
So whoop-de-do!

There's nothing wrong with me.


Nothing Wrong With Me, by the ever-brilliant Jim Boggia

Researchers reveal secret of duck sex: It's all screwed up
fascinating, disturbing and amusing all at the same time.

and it absolutely begs to be paired with this video:

I am home where home is the apartment currently housing all my stuff in DC. The rejoicing may commence now.

I guess large-scale nice things make up for small nasty pranks?

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! In January I pulled halfsparkle's hair (-5 points). Last Thursday I caught a purse-snatcher who stole christhawk's purse (30 points). In February I put money in kluwak's expired parking meter (14 points). Last Monday I put gum in monsterberger's hair (-12 points). Last Saturday I saved a busload of nuns in Angola (326 points). Overall, I've been nice (353 points). For Christmas I deserve a pony! Sincerely, sylmenya

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

In other news, my cooperating teacher and I have finally stopped our silly game of phone tag. She's going to put in a few hours tomorrow over break while the students aren't there, and I'm going to join her and finally get to meet her. I suppose that's not bad; it's only been a week since I got my student teaching assignment. I'm looking forward to meeting her. But it means a rush-hour trek into Minneapolis tomorrow. When I'm actually student teaching, I'll probably miss the worst of rush-hour; she's usually at school by 6 or 6:15, which means I'll probably be leaving around 5:15 or 5:30 (depending on how early rush-hour starts, but I'm expecting to be able to leave at 5:30) to be there at the same time, and I believe that's earlier than the worst of the rush-hour traffic. On the plus side, school only goes until 1:30 at this particular school, so I'll probably be able to leave by 2 or 2:30 most days. Not bad at all. I'll have time for naps, and to do some work in the afternoons (as in, write lesson plans and stuff).

Let it be noted: I am finally using my own computer again! I've lost track of how long it's been, but I finally have a working computer, that has an operating system, and that allows me to install the drivers on my motherboard, and doesn't have a firewall completely blocking my internet access! There isn't really much on the computer currently, but it has everything I need for now, and as I encounter missing programs, I can always put them back on. Same with internet bookmarks; at some point I'll probably put in the effort to think of the important ones and get them back. But the important thing is, I have computer!!!!!

And, in other news, I also have lots of pets over the holidays. I should really write out a schedule to make sure no kitties get forgotten in the shuffle. I'm taking care of Luke and Leia in Minneapolis, and partially overlapping with that I'm taking care of Puck and Ariel in St. Paul. Also overlapping in some fashion are Maia and Thunder in Burnsville. And let's not forget that I'm also taking care of my own Max, Ollie, Cookie, Oreo, and Luna. Pets, anyone?

i am slightly of the opinion that i've been home sick for the past two days, so they don't count. it should not be two days closer to christmas, or to next year. really? 2010 already? a whole ten years since y2k paranoia (and some rather silly new year's home videos made at jenny's house of us dancing around to slim shady, which i do not regret the sound failing for). crazy.

but, yes, have been home the past two days. generally not thinking it wise to go to work with a fever. hopefully i'll be able to go tomorrow, not so much because i sincerely miss work but more so i can feel like i can actually get out again. i've still got several christmas presents to buy (including one for a coworker, secret santa and all that). i was going to use my "free" time today to make my sister-in-law's tote bag, but then my stressed sinus cavities started in with a headache and lifting the heavy sewing machine and fining thread and all that kinda killed my motivation. that would have been nice to get accomplished, though. especially since i've had the fabric (upholstery scraps!) since last year, and forgot about it for last christmas. d'oh.

i've been pretty lazy, though. i don't sleep during the day, because i suck at napping (except in college after those 8:15am classes...) (and i've been sleeping until 12:30 or so anyway), so i've been mostly net-mucking, reading, and hulu-ing. intended to catch up on "dollhouse" and "legend of the seeker" (the latter of which started up the new season without my knowing, and all of a sudden i'm five episodes out!), but those aren't easy shows to watch many of when healthy, even. good (or, in LotS's case, amusing), but, well, dark, you know? so i ended up browsing the anime selection yesterday and found something much more viable - "save me, lollipop!" it's one of those animes that's obviously intended for young girls, and absolutely silly. good no-thinking fluff. except slightly thinking, because it's subtitled so there are bits to read, plus relatively easy japanese to pick up a surprising amount of. those five terms of 5-day-a-week classes apparently have left more buried in my brain that i think. plus, being accustomed to studying japanese when tired (late at night homework, early morning classes), i tend to do better with it when my brain isn't at full capacity.

i haven't been all slave to the screen, though. finished good omens today, which surprised me a little because i put it down a week or so ago because i wasn't in the mood for it. i still wasn't really in the mood for it, but it was easier to pick it back up than figure out what i was in the mood for (or am, as is my conundrum tonight). luckily i seem to have already gotten through most of the long bits about the Them, which annoyed me (a book about the apocalypse and i found the antichrist boring...), so the half i had left went much faster. overall, good. amusing. not going to go all obsessive fan-girl about it, though.

hoping i'll be better in time for saturday morning's neighborhood christmas parade. plus my aunt and uncle are coming in saturday afternoon (and he's a doctor, so...good medical advice coming?) for a few days. although i wouldn't completely mind being "too sick" to go to the annual christmas party i always feel like an nth wheel at. not like i really know anyone there (many friends of family, yes, but no one near my own age). i always secretly hope there will be some nice, single guy to talk to, but there never is. also, i have nothing to wear. stupid holidays.

now, though, i'm going to go snort some afrin in the hopes that my nasal passages will un-swell enough to allow a little more air passage, try to figure out what sort of book i'm in the mood for (probably romantic fluff, which is sad because i've got a lot of swedish crime novels i want to delve into - ake edwardson and steig larson and such), and try to get some sleep. here's hoping it won't be another night of constantly waking up too hot or too cold. and here's hoping my fever won't spike back up as soon as the advil's worn off. it should have hours ago, but that's what i thought last night, too, until it hit 101 again.

this is sad. i can go large spates of time with nothing to post about because my life is dull, and then i get sick and post more often about being sick, because that's more interesting or whatever. bah. boring life. my apologies for the sickitudinous ramblings.

Trevor asked me some very interesting questions, which I answered below. If you'd like me to interview you, leave a comment to that effect and I'll ask you some questions.


1. What's the most striking difference in Boulder today compared to when you were in high school?

The development out on North Broadway makes me do a little mental double-take every time I see it. Possibly this has something to do with the fact that I rarely go to that part of town. In general Boulder has gotten more upscale and less funky, but I don't think I experience this (or other differences between then and now) as "striking," in the same way, I suppose, that you don't notice kids growing when you see them a lot.

2. Share a non-scholastic facet of graduate school that seems interesting, unusual, or frustrating.

Amber once said that she tells people that graduate school (in science) is like being an apprentice scientist. I think this is a good description. I try to be patient, but sometimes it's frustrating when people don't get that doing research is my job, and I don't get summer and winter break off. Officially I get campus-closed holidays off, but I'm not entitled to vacation days at all. (Unofficially, my advisor allows 2-3 weeks of vacation per year, so it works out to be pretty similar to most people's vacation.)

3. How does having a large garden (for a back yard) affect your life?

It affects things a lot. What we eat in the summer and fall is determined to a large extent by what is in season. Then in the winter and early spring we cook things that we've missed while we've been busy trying to eat the vegetables before they go bad. At certain times of the year, gardening becomes our main hobby, then in the winter we do other things. So our hobbies are pretty seasonal, too. On an emotional level, it feels good and useful to be able to do something so concrete as growing healthy and delicious food, and connects me to the earth more than anything else I do. I love being able to walk around out there and eat whatever I find.

4. If you could pick one scientific concept and have it clearly explained to everyone in America, what would you choose? Would you pick something different if the audience was limited to all America's politicians?

This is a really tough question. I probably wouldn't pick a different topic if the audience was all politicians, since I think that the same things that make people good citizens also make them good politicians. I don't think there's any particular scientific fact that I would want to convey, but rather I would want to choose something that shows how scientists think, and at the same time would inspire a sense of wonder at the natural world. My goal would be to get them to think and ask questions after I was done talking. To me, the story of the periodic table is one of the most amazing in all of science, so maybe I'd choose that, even though it's pretty abstract. Or maybe I'd just make them all watch Cosmos.

Come to think of it, one of my heroes, Al Bartlett, did choose something he wanted everyone to know, and he's been talking about it to anyone who will listen for the last several decades. He chose exponential growth.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-QA2rkpBSY

5. What's something you love to do, but rarely get around to?

Camping. I haven't slept outside for more than a year, which makes me sad.

I feel pretty horrible right now. Don't worry, I'll be fine tomorrow. But right now, I feel like I've just come through a couple days of fever; I feel a bit weak, I'm really cold, and my head feels like it might fall out if I move too quickly. But it's a huge improvement over how I felt earlier, so I shouldn't really complain.

These headaches are annoying, especially in how suddenly they come on. About 5 minutes before my work shift was over, my vision became obscured by spots of really bright light. It was as if I had looked into the sun, and when I looked away I had the sparkly after-effects burned onto everything I looked at. Only it didn't go away. Knowing what that sign means, I was still unable to do anything, as my Excedrin was at home, and it's the only thing that helps such headaches. At least, it can turn them into ordinary, ignorable headaches if I take it during the bright sparkles before the pain happens. Although there was a Snyder's across the street and down a block, I knew I wouldn't make it there, buy Excedrin, and take it in time to fix the head, so I didn't bother to try. I opted to wait for the bright sparkles to turn into headache rather than drive with bright sparkles obscuring my vision. Sure enough, by 4:30 when I had changed clothes, bought dinner, and mailed a package to Mom, the vision was clearing, and the headache was pounding its way in.

I was already feeling somewhat seasick from the movement of the bright dots in my eyes, and although the flickering lights went away, the growing pain was nauseating, as well. Through it all, I felt hungry anyway, so when I got to school I ate dinner. I had hoped it would help, but the only thing it did was make my stomach stop growling at me. By that point my brain was swollen to the point that I feared it would burst my too-small skull, and every time I moved, it shifted and bumped on the inside of my skull, sending an explosion of pain into my vision. Quite an interesting sensation, actually. When there weren't people around, when I didn't have to put on a brave face, I gave in an whimpered, sometimes even allowing dry sobbing (tears would make it worse by making me congested), but it didn't really help. I found that by sitting absolutely still in class and listening with my eyes partially covered by fingers (flourescent lights are the worst thing for those headaches), I could prevent it from getting worse. I think I stumbled through the informal presentation of my case study, but oh well. We got out an hour early, and I opted to drive home rather than take a nap in the library, because of how cold I was. If I didn't know better, I would have thought I'd had a high fever, judging by the combination of freezing and severe headache. But I think the cold was a side-effect of the headache, because I'm pretty confident there was no illness or fever.

I got home and took the dog out, then collapsed on the couch for a few minutes with a blanket flung over my head and tried really hard not to shiver, as shivering made my brain bump painfully in my skull. I could have sworn it was bruised to a pulpy mass after the bumpiness of the road on the way home. Once I felt warm enough that I was no longer suppressing shivers, I made soup and tea, and settled on the couch with my book. The eyestrain of reading usually makes the headache worse, but it's worth it for the side-effect: when I'm reading, I become the character. So, although I felt the pain, it didn't matter because it wasn't really my pain. I was Nevarre Burville, so Marina's pain didn't matter. At some point I realized that the pain had mostly receded. Now my head just feels very strange, like my brain is wrapped in cotton. I know if I jostle it too hard, the cotton will fall off and it will bump against bare bone again. The only real cure for these headaches is at least two hours of solid sleep. But I may have found a semi-cure: soup and tea seemed to bring it down to a level just below the threshold where I can feel the pain. It's still there, just muted below where I can feel it. And tomorrow, after I sleep, it will be fine.

I haven't had a headache like this in months, not since a few months before I left the old apartment. I'm pretty sure on the trigger for them now; not long before I had my headache today, I had an extreme allergic reaction to one of our customers (at least, extreme for me. I didn't pass out or anything like that...). While ringing them up, I felt my throat start to constrict, and my chest did, as well, so that I had trouble forcing words out. There was another strong smell that I'm not allergic to present at the time (unrelated) so I can't be sure, but I think at least one of the couple had been smoking. I'm pretty sure these headaches are triggered by sinus irritation. Today my sinuses have felt rather dry and inflamed anyway, and I think the reaction to the smoke pushed it into the realm of blinding headache. I've had what I call "sloshy-head" headaches intermittently for years (probably since puberty?), but around college, bright lights and other hallucinatory visions and sensations have accompanied them on their occasional appearances. So I know know what it means to have a blinding headache. Literally, the bright lights make you unable to distinguish details, so that you squint and move around, trying to find a clear space in your vision so you can tell the customer what their total is. And then every time your brain bumps against the edges, you get a flash of...can one see pain? It looks like pain that I see when that happens. It sounds strange when I describe it, but that's really the only way I can think of to describe it. I know what pain looks like, because I've seen it from the inside.

These occurrences are so random, and I get maybe 3 or 4 a year, if that. They don't really interfere with my life, since I can ignore them if I have to (though I'd rather just curl up and sever my head). I know the trigger now, though it's frightfully hard to avoid it sometimes. They go away on their own within a few hours. So really, compared to my coworker who was going through worse headaches (she was diagnosed with migraines) about every other day for a while, I really can't complain. But they really are quite annoying anyway.

i feel like a walking bag o' symptoms lately, but tonight rather kicks it up a notch. bam. thanks, emeril.

( trying to remember it all, with a bit of TMI... )